Jokes

Catching many fish

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On
the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a
dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first
fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

Catching the fish

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching
a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to
take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not Acolor. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really ..

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh

Why Fishing Is
Better Than Sex

When you go
fishing and you
catch
something,
that's good. If
you're making
love and you
catch
something,
that's bad.

Fish don't
compare you to
other fishermen
neither and
don't want to
know how many
other fish you
caught.

In fishing you lie
about the one
that got away. In
loving you lie
about the one
you caught.

You can catch
and release a
fish, you don't
have to lie and
promise to still
be friends after
you let it go.

You don't have
to necessarily
change your
line to keep
catching fish.

You can catch a
fish on a 20-cent
night crawler. If
you want to
catch a woman
you're talking
dinner and a
movie minimum.

Fish don't mind
if you fall asleep
in the middle of
fishing.

ADD YOUR JOKE

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.

The first blond said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."

The second blond proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.

The first blond asked "What are you doing?"

The second blond replied "Marking the spot."

"Don't be stupid" the first blond said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

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Pushing Your luck!

Little Help Please....!

GOLF SLANG

An Adolf - taking two shots in a bunker.
An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result.
A Rodney King - over-clubbed.
An O.J. Simpson - shouldn't have, but got away with it.
A Condom - safe but didn't feel right.
An elephant's a**ehole - it's high and it stinks.
A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be.
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner.
A Gerry Adams - a provisional.
A Dennis Wise - nasty little five footer.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems.
A gynaecologist's assistant - just shaves the hole.
Does your husband play? for when a man hits a short tee shot.
A Cuban - needs one more revolution.
A Brazillian - hits the narrow stip down the middle.
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim.
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water.
A Marylin Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie").
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.
A Michael Jackson - fading away.
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result.
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.
A Tony Blair - too much spin.
A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again.
A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't.